I drove him to the airport today.
Last night we just laid together. He held me so close. All night. As we were falling asleep, him spooning against my back, he spoke in a low voice, "I'm going to miss this." I said, "Me too." His voice dropped barely above a whisper, "I'm going to miss you." "Me too." Then two tears escaped my eyes and I brushed them into the pillow.
Even after he told me he tried so hard but never had feelings enough to date me, he still acts like he wants me. Still talks about our future in a month. I can't decide if he's still pretending for me. The entire ride he kept reaching over to hold my hand, or push back my hair. Talking about how he'll see me in a month. How last night he held me (and not tried to sleep with me) because he was feeling sentimental. He'd lean over and kiss my head. He kissed me fiercely when he left my car at the airport. "I'll see you in only a month."
Only a month. A month isn't an "only." Maybe if I was going to be waiting here for him. But in a month everything will have changed. I'll be a little girl in a big city. He'll be deciding whether to stay in Texas or move to Arizona. Wait to get into college here, or join the military.
As I drove away from the airport, crying, I just felt in my head and in my heart... It's all going to change. Tomorrow is another day. A day further away from this day. Further away from this life. Closer to reality, and no more pretending.
The pain in your writing is so real and vivid that one can't help but feel it with you, through your words.
ReplyDeleteEspecially loved the last lines: "It's all going to change. Tomorrow is another day. A day further away from this day. Further away from this life. Closer to reality, and no more pretending."