"To let a fool kiss you is stupid; to let a kiss fool you is worse."
—Anonymous
I almost feel as though I can't add to that. I can't take anything away from it either.
I've done both.
I've done both multiple times.
Sometimes our heads just don't comprehend the difference. Sometimes we are the "kiss" fooling the other person. I can think of a boy I fooled. And I had no intention.
He was the first person after my ex. He was a drunken accident who turned into one of my closest friends. That boy has seen me cry more than any other (non-related or ex-husband) male on this earth. And he stuck by me. Nicest thing he said to me was, "If you need to be taken care of; I will take care of you." I was sitting at his kitchen bar while he cooked for me. I was crying because my mother always made me feel guilty for not taking care of her every whim and my ex always blamed me for everything gone wrong. Everyone always wanted me to spill blood for them, but if I did anything for myself I was selfish and awful.
No one had wanted to take care of me... until him.
It started innocently enough. I had left my ex a month and a half before. He was good friends with my cousin. I wasn't used to drinking, because while I was with my husband I was never allowed to drink. So I was very much a light weight. And so hookah turned to kissing, and kissing turned to foreplay, and then I just didn't say no. He was upfront and honest... he never dated anyone. And frankly, hello?!? I wasn't looking to date anyone. Plus, although our personalities were great together... both sarcastic and could make each other laugh... he was not my type. So it was perfect. We were the ideal "Fuh-WuBs" as I deemed it (Friends with Benefits). Loved each other's company, but didn't want commitment... what could go wrong?!?
He decided after the hundreds of girls he didn't want to date... there was one he did...
Me.
I didn't reciprocate. He was my friend! And only my friend. I had stopped having sex with him regularly months and months before. But everytime we'd hang out somehow he'd convince me to sleep with him. Then I'd feel so guilty, because I knew those caramel whiskey brown eyes really loved me. And he'd never felt that way about another girl. And I cared about him. He's honestly (besides ex) the only guy I have slept with I can say I've allowed myself to love... but just not romantically.
So my kiss. My embrace. My laugh. All of it fooled him. He told me he didn't understand... how could we be perfect for each other, but I wouldn't date him?
I've learned the hard way what it's like to make a Fool & be the Fool. This Boy #1 would still drop everything to be with me if I gave him the word. And he now lives 8 hours away. Love is a funny thing. It's hard to satisfy, and harder to quench.
No comments:
Post a Comment